Acceptance, do I truely have it?

My entire life I have been apart of church. I remember at the age of thirteen accepting Jesus when I prayed for 3 hours on the altar at a spiritual life retreat. I remember I balled my eyes out for God's guidance. To help me coupe with these feelings I had. I also remember the year before my mom busting into my room asking if I was gay? And that if I was that she was going to get me help and "straighten" my life up. I suppressed those feelings and attempted to date girls. I was the all american good Christian kid. I went to church faithfully and I was the Youth Council President for my church youth group from the age of thirteen - eighteen. It wasn't until my senior year when my mom came across a journal entry of mine that talked about these "homosexual" feelings and stopped talking to me for months and every time she looked at me she cried. I had unofficially came out to my mother. This was wonderful, the news fled through my whole family and everyone started questioning everything. I began to hear from my stepfather, who was more like a father to me than my real father, what an abomination it was to be homosexual and that I must have some kind of sickness to be gay. My real father had no part of my life at this point. I feel that it was he secretly knew what I was and he could not bear to be around that.

I had just begun college, I started to resent myself and organized religion and even God. I prayed for years upon years for him to make these feelings go away.I started to date this guy who just fed into my distaste for religion. Thats when his emotional abuse had started. Then a friend of mine who prided herself on being agnostic started telling me about this campus ministry. I told her I don't know about all that, they would not accept me, I just knew they wouldn't because I didn't accept myself. I felt that I was not worthy of God's love, along with I felt that I have lost my parents love. And between the cheating and emotional abuse from my then boyfriend I felt I was not worthy of love at all. In a way I felt that it was God's punishment for this horrendous sin that I was committing a sin. Finally when my then boyfriend had to go out of town when his mother passed away I tried the campus ministry. For some reason I found it AMAZING. It was like the misfits that didn't fit into any other campus ministry and met here. People from all walks of life and backgrounds met here. Thats when I started to become a regular and the assistant campus minister began a bible study. I was the only one that came at the time slot I did. And it opened my heart and eyes. She went on the front porch and we discussed everything. She said she had heard that I was gay and that if it was true. I was frightened but confirmed and for the first time in my life someone affiliated with the church sat and listened to my perspective which I had finally found what it was. I realized that any sin is viewed as deterring your relationship with God. I had told her how I prayed for God to guide me and help me "to become straight". Thats when she said well all I ask is you remember your body is your temple and she began to tell me how her church back home had a bible study for gays.This was about 4-5 years ago. 

Over the  the last 4-5 years ago I have done a lot of research in a biblical sense. I have found that what many people use as biblical reference is not all that credible. One thing people need to remember is the bible has been translated many times from its original Greek and Hebrew text. Many people reference the bible verse that states a man shall not lie with another man as he would a woman, but from what I have found through research` the original text says something to the affect a man shall not lie with another man while in bed with a woman. Even without the translation that verse is found in the Old Testament, and today's Christians live by New Testament law not Old Testament law. And the surprising thing is that a Baptist Minister is the one that brought that to a friend of mines attention. That is just one example of how people manipulate verses in the bible to achieve what they want it to achieve. Through all of this investigation much in my life has changed. I went down a dark path for the last two years up until recently and have began to renew my faith and attend my home church again. My mom has slowly began to accept my sexual orientation as many call it or I think she has. I feel have many answers but the problem is you never have that confirmation on are you on a right path? Or do you have a clear understanding? So my question is do I have that acceptance from God?

Why are we are romantic centric world?

Last night I had this dream I had met the love of my life, everything was perfect. Of course as in every bad dream the perfect love had walked away from me. It is just a dream, right? Then why did this dream upset me so? It had me thinking throughout the day. Why is everyone so focused on romance? I mean think about it, romance is everywhere: movies, t.v., novels, and even music. Everywhere you turn romance is there. Romance is so frustrating. I sometimes think people like me are not meant for a loving romantic relationship. The longest relationship I had was 7 months. So whats the point on counting on that one true love? Everyone says, "be patient, don't look for it, it will happen when you least expect it or when you stop looking." How can we stop looking or focus on it? Its everywhere we have a holiday for it, a whole genre of movies dedicated to it. Now you can't even just watch a comedy like the Hangover without love interjecting itself into it. And to make matters worse every time you catch up with an old friend or a relative there is the question that always pops up... so how is your love life? Will this pandemonium ever end?

New Years Resolutions... Why whats the point?

Every year people sit down and come up with their new year's resolutions. The resolutions usually consist of loosing weight, quit smoking, start working out, or maybe even fix finances. The problem with resolutions are people hardly follow through with them. So whats the point in making them? And if you are going to make a resolution for the new year, why not make a resolution that is more constructive? Why don't people make resolutions to volunteer more, be more neighborly, or even try to reconnect your family ties?

This year I have sat down and thought about my resolution for this upcoming year and was having a hard time picking something that I would follow through on. This past year I have hit rock bottom and gave myself a real true opportunity to think about where I want my life to go and the person I want to become. The petty resolutions I have already attempted a start on before we hit the new year. So what is going to be my resolution for the next year? I really want my life to be improved upon and go towards more a positive light. I have in the last week made more of an effort to be a true part of my family. I have started rekindling my faith again. And I have sat down and considered which friends were the negative influence on my life. This year I am looking forward to this year and its journeys that it will take me on.